Why Happy What•Evs?

Happy What•Evs didn’t start as a big “Ah ha” moment. It was more of a pin ball, in a game that had 20 other balls bouncing around. I’d catch glimpses of it as it shot around, lights and sounds drawing my attention at inopportune times while I was focused on something else. It would ricochet around the board before it blew past the bumpers and dropped out of site, only to be played, a few days, weeks, months later – grabbing my attention for a few moments and disappearing again. It was a distraction – in a brain that holds lots of distractions close and provides no efficient filing system…

The Quiet Part Out Loud

Depression

“A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.” — Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

The Truth

Sometimes, I want to die.

That’s the quiet part. It’s always at night. When I’m alone. When the voices in my head get cruel, creative, and relentless. “Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you?”, “You don’t deserve the life you’ve been given”, “You are an incredible burden to your family”, “If you weren’t here, it would be barely noticeable”. Those accusations plus more cycle through my thoughts, relentlessly. And in those moments, I’ll beg—pray, if we’re being loose with the word—not to wake up.